


the edge

by friedtoffee



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Brief Astrid, Brief Eodwulf, Brief Trent Ikithon, Caleb Widogast Angst, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb Widogast-centric, Gaslighting, Manipulation, Self-Destruction, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:49:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27615811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friedtoffee/pseuds/friedtoffee
Summary: A brief look into Caleb's room in the towerCaleb found the edge and fell right off.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	the edge

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNINGS: gaslighting, manipulation, self destructive behavior, caleb's backstory

Caleb Widogast’s bedroom in his tower was simple. There was no decoration tied to his past or personality. Nothing. Nothing to indicate that the room belonged to anyone in particular. It was empty, bare. The tower was a love letter to the Mighty Nein, but Caleb did not think he deserved that love letter to himself. Above the bedrooms laid Caleb’s real room. It still wasn’t his. The room may have been created by Caleb in the tower, but the room, truely, belonged to Trent Ikithon. 

After everyone retired to their own rooms for the night, Caleb would make his way out of his  _ fake  _ room and up and level to his  _ real  _ room. His chair sat in the center of the room. There wasn’t much else in the room. A table with a scalpel. A bag full of the green glass he was so familiar with. Caleb sat down in the chair and closed his eyes.

* * *

They hurt. The crystals hurt so very much. He could not cry. He could not show emotion. Weak. He belonged to the Empire and the Empire does not accept failure. Pathetic. That is what he would be if he cried or even made a sound. Caleb swallowed the scream he felt forming in his throat. He gritted his teeth and kept a straight face. For the Empire right? The good of the Empire. 

He was tired. His arms were bleeding, but he would be stronger from it. The exhaustion would be first then the power. That is how it worked. You had to go past the edge and fall before you could move on. Caleb wanted to pass out after his private meeting with Ikithon, but he could not. He was not weak. He was strong and he had to keep going. He spent all night studying his new spells even though his arms were burning with pain from the newly embedded crystals. He did not sleep. He had so much work to get done. 

Strong. Ikithon praised him for all his hard work and encouraged Caleb to keep it up. It had worked. The long nights without sleep, pushing through the pain. Ikithon was proud. He was stronger than his friends Astrid and Eodwulf who would take breaks after their sessions with Ikithon. Caleb wouldn’t dare take a break. There was always work to be done and there was never time to relax. They told Caleb he had to stop. That this wasn’t good for him and he was slowly falling apart. Caleb didn’t believe that. If anything they were the ones falling apart. They were weak for not working through the pain. 

It was not long before Caleb was able to ignore the pain completely. He never felt the need to scream and cry during his sessions. In fact, he looked forward to them. They made him strong. They made him powerful. Most importantly, Caleb thrived off of the praise he would receive. 

Just because Caleb could not feel the pain, did not mean it wasn’t there. His arms would still bleed every time. There would come a point where Caleb would stop lying to himself and accept that he was in pain, that he was still losing the same amount of blood that he did the very first time. He had not yet hit that point. 

Caleb was smart. He was rational. He knew that avoiding his pain was a bad idea. He knew that working long nights was not a good idea. He needed to stop, but he thrived on the praise of Trent Ikithon. The praise kept him going. It gave him a reason to keep going. Caleb did not want to land back in Blumenthal and be a farmer for the rest of his life, so he had to get praise from Ikithon. It was the only way that Caleb would move on in life. Caleb knew he did not need Ikithon to get out of Blumenthal. He was smarter than that, but now Caleb was addicted to Ikithon’s praise. He wanted to stop. He really did, but Ikithon’s praise filled some void inside him and he did not stop. Caleb kept going.

Then he passed out in the chair. He was a failure. He let the pain he had been suppressing for weeks get to him. He almost smiled at the relief he felt from the release. It felt good. Then praise he had received for so long turned to criticism. He wasn’t good enough. Why couldn’t he be strong like Astrid and Eodwulf. They never passed out in the chair. They were strong, unlike him. They would make good soldiers for the Empire while he would just waste away to nothing.

The cycle was not broken when Caleb passed out. Now that Ikithon was critiquing his every move, he had to perform above and beyond the expectation. He continued the long nights of pushing through the pain. He had to build up that resistance again. He would be strong again. The cycle was never ending. Caleb would work himself to the edge, and then he would keep working until he fell. He would not stop when he fell. He would get right back up and work himself right back to that edge. Caleb longed for the release of feeling pain again.

Trent Ikithon did not mind when Caleb would go past the edge. In fact, he loved it. Ikithon thrived on Caleb’s self destructive cycle. Caleb was Ikithon’s experiment and he loved the results.

* * *

Caleb was exhausted when he awoke. He did not mean to spend the whole night in his  _ real _ room, but alas, he got carried away. He always got carried away. He didn’t know how to stop. Caleb snuck back down to the main area to join the Nein and to never speak of his night to any of them.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a vent fic from 1am. i liked what i wrote so im posting it. if caleb is ooc thats because im projecting. if tere are any errors, thats because i didnt proofread. its a vent fic


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